Movie Review: Miami Vice
Stars (out of 10): 1
One Word Summary: Horrendous

       'Miami Vice” isn't the series you remember from the 1980's. The film has been relocated—in time—to the present day (Sonny's handlebar mustache being the exception). In this adventure, Sonny and Tubbs are chasing a Cuban drugs and arms trafficker. The deeper they go undercover, the more dangerous their mission becomes, and when Sonny falls in love with the enemy, Tubbs wonders if he's in too deep.

       'Miami Vice” is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Michael Mann's directing is nauseating (Mike, grain and a shaky handheld camera doesn't work for every movie), his screenplay is horrendous (I don't know if there was a single contraction in the whole movie and hearing Colin Farrell repeat 'I do not…” or 'I can not” is as bad as nails on a chalkboard), the soundtrack is a mishmosh, the acting is atrocious, and the overall movie-going experience is as bad as they come.

       Michael Mann, who directed and wrote 'Vice” (as well as 'The Insider,” 'Ali,” and 'Collateral”), has taken the life, color, and personality out of the ‘80s series and replaced it with his standard shtick—poor cinematography, grain, odd close-ups, and questionable editing. And the screenplay he penned is without question the driest and least humorous I've ever seen; it's sad to say, but 'Miami Vice” is less funny than an obituary.

       It's rated R because of gratuitous sex and violence, and come to think of it, the entire thing is gratuitous. 'Vice” seems to be the epitome of a TV show that never should have been a movie—or at the very least this movie. The entire thing is moronic. Who would think to cast the Irish Colin Farrell as a Cuban or Jamie Foxx as a Puerto Rican named RICO? If you're not going to heed to the already set mythology of a series, then don't base a movie on that series.

       The entire story is underdeveloped. After two plus hours of watching I couldn't tell you the names of more than two characters. In an action movie (albeit a horribly boring action movie) if you haven't developed a relationship with a character then you can't care when that character is in danger and the entire connection between audience and screen is lost. The same can be said for a subplot involving love. We don't care about Sonny and Isabella's relationship Mann doesn't give it enough time to develop. There's a difference between lust and love, and 'Vice” seems to mistake the two.

The Bottom Line is that 'Miami Vice” is an absolute loser. Don't see it because it's boring. Don't see it because it's a permanent blemish on the careers of Mann, Farrell, and Foxx. Don't see it because you'll never see a drier summer blockbuster… Just don't see it.