It's been almost a month since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced that they were expecting a baby, and I have to say, the anticipation is killing me. No, literally, hearing every day about their stupid baby is killing me.

            If there were an award for the most annoying celebrity couple, Cruise and Holmes would win hands down. We get it Tom Cruise… you love her. You bagged a girl 16 years your junior and you're definitely not gay. The whole rumor was just a giant misunderstanding. We get it. Calm down and get off of Oprah's couch.

            Cruise and Holmes seem to be the only celebrities not infuriated by the media's obsession with their personal life. Their willingness to cooperate with the media inspired many to speculate that their engagement was simply a publicity stunt to promote their upcoming movies (War of the Worlds for Cruise and Batman Begins for Holmes). The whole baby thing might have spoiled that argument… either that or they're just willing to go the extra mile to spark DVD sales.

Their faces have graced the covers of every celebrity gossip magazine several times since they announced their engagement. People Magazine's Oct. 24th cover read, 'Katie & Tom: All About the Baby! They're expecting—and they're ecstatic!” Their publicists probably insisted on the exclamation points.

            America's least favorite lovebirds shared the cover with a story about Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's marriage ('The Rings Are On!”). The four celebrities (well, in all honesty, Lachey should only count for a half celebrity) have shared so many covers that their photos must be friends.

            TomKat—the new Bennifer—might be obnoxious, but at least the tabloids have their story straight. Nick and Jessica break up and get back together whenever one of these magazines needs a cover story, and seriously, I can't keep up; is Demi Moore pregnant or not?

            People shouldn't care about celebrities and their personal drama. Who cares why Brad and Jen (Brenifer) broke up, and who cares if Brad and Angelina (Brangelina) are a couple or not.

When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had a baby girl, people wondered how two loving parents could name their daughter Apple. No one considered the fact that if Apple Martin amounts to nothing else in her life, Fruit of the Loom would be thrilled to have her as their spokeswoman.

Other celebrities have no such excuse. Julia Roberts named her twins Hazel and Phinnaeus, Jermaine Jackson named his son Jermajesty (talk about leaving a legacy), and Sylvester Stallone named his son Sage Moonblood. The worst though is Jason Lee (who at least got it right with My Name is Earl), who named his son Pilot Inspekter Reisgraf Lee after a song by the band Grandaddy called 'He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot.” That's such a dumb name I don't even know what to say. I will, however, mention the fact that Lee, like Tom Cruise, is a Scientologist.

Celebrities are the most fickle people in the world. If you'll remember, Katie Holmes was engaged to Chris Kline only a few months before she found true love in Tom Cruise. Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney were married for about 5 minutes, Britney Spears was married to Jason Alexander for literally 55 hours, and Elizabeth Taylor has been married 7 times.

            Katie Holmes reportedly calls Tom Cruise her 'first celebrity crush.” Apparently she first fell in love with him when she was four years-old and saw him in Risky Business. Now she's marrying him. That might be a sweet story of love at first sight, but Cruise was 21 at the time, so instead it's really, really creepy.

            Still, it could work out for Holmes and Cruise. If Holmes can make it through a Scientology birth, the rest of their marriage will be a piece of cake. The Church of Scientology encourages a 'silent birth” which means that Holmes would have to deliver the baby without an epidural and in complete silence. I'm betting a guy came up with that rule.

            If, as many predict, their marriage doesn't work out, it will go the way of Jennifer Lopez and Chris Judd's, Lisa Marie Presley and Nicholas Cage's, Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson's, Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman's, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Felipe de Alba's, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton's, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's…..